With the improvement in my riding over the past couple of weeks coupled with my MAGICAL KYLE STRAIT KNEEPADS I decided to have another go at the Monkey.  Given that Simply Red and Keane were hogging Birches Valley, we parked up Marquis Drive.  Incidentally, I’m still not sure how to say ‘Marquis Drive’, I tend to say ‘Markee’ as if it was French, but having been roundly mocked by my brother who threatened to cut out my heathen foreign tongue I’ve been told that the ‘proper English’ pronunciation is actually ‘Markwiss’.  Say what you see, folks!  Unless it’s tortilla or hyperbole.

Anyhoo, I digress.  Started off by heading over to Tackaroo and doing what I normally consider the end section.  Flew around grinning until I got to Werewolf Drop, where I stopped, thought about it and then carried the bike down.  Didn’t want to fall off, that would be awful!

Sections  1/2/6 were closed so I followed the diversion round to 7.  Managed everything fine, including Evil Root Number One!  Well, I say fine, I got over it then stopped abruptly – but at least I got over it and didn’t fall into the bank.  This, dear reader, is what we call progress!

I managed to get up the fireroad hill up to 8 entirely in the middle ring, which I found strangely surprising – normally if it’s a bit warm I hit granny ring a few metres up and wheeze the entire way.  I didn’t stop at the top, but carried straight onto 8 – stopped at the break as I saw there was a group of lads.  They assured me that they’d be slower, so graciously encouraged me to head on before them.  No rest for the wicked!

I’m definitely getting better at 8, remembering to keep my speed coming out of the corners, especially the ones before the jumps.  One day I might actually be able to jump them!

I headed off to the Monkey at the decision point – I love the swoopy section at the start.  Then it was onto my nemesis, the link descent!  I actually managed to ride most of it – stopped before the steps, but I honestly think that next time around I’ll manage them; they’re nowhere near as bad as I remember.  This means that either my memory is playing tricks on me (not unheard of, I remember when section 14 was on the side of a sheer cliff…) or that the Chase Trails chaps have done a bit more work on them (I know they widened them).  Managed to take all of the corners with the exception of one of the last left hand turns, but otherwise I was very pleased.

I successfully crossed both the railway crossing and the road without being hit by any large metallic objects and headed onwards.  Fluffed the start of the climb and the first switchback, but managed to do the rest of them up to the top. 

I experienced a comedy over the bars dismount on the rocks on the exit to the section before Klondike Bridge.  It was on the very last rock I think – I’m not entirely sure what happened, all I know was that I ended up a tangled heap on the fireroad with my bike stuck on top of me.  Rather tragically my first thought wasn’t about my welfare, or even that of the Professor.  No, my first thought was, “I hope to god nobody saw that”, followed by, “Got to get up before anybody sees me”.  Wiggling free of the Professor, I stood up, checked that everything was in order, and got back on the bike.  I was fine, not even a flesh wound.  So I took the bike back up to the start of the rocks and did them properly, with less face planting.  Went straight onto Klondike Bridge and it was business as usual.  Except more awesome!

There’s a few protruding roots on the Monkey – not Evil, perhaps not even Malevolent, but possibly ‘Spiteful’ or ‘Mischievous’.   Managed them fine, managed the drops, including the weird diagonal one fine – I’ve definitely gotten better in that department.  I even did the first rock descent of the Monkey without incident, although I balked at the second (“Too ‘s’ shaped!”) and the third (“It’s got a sticky outy bit!”).  After the Klondike incident, I thought it was best that I didn’t push my luck.

And so, I carried merrily on my way, happily riding any woodwork, rocks and drops that came my way.  I exited the trail, and headed up the fireroad to the next section.  The bit of fireroad I’m referring to undulates – descends steeply then rises steeply, like a giant bombhole.

“AHA!” I thought.  “Physics!  If I descend with a great amount of speed, then it’ll slingshot me up the climb, minimising the need to pedal!”

I think, dear reader, that it’s fairly evident that like Emperor Palpatine, my overconfidence was my weakness.  Or perhaps my UTTER LACK OF COMMON SENSE.  I barrelled it down the hill, and as I hit the sandy gravelly stuff near the bottom I thought, “Oh dear, this isn’t going to end well” followed swiftly by, “This could actually be quite serious, shit, I’ve got Glentress in two weeks”.

I skidded across the ground on my right hand side, bouncing my head off the floor a couple of times in the process, just for good measure.  I lay there for a minute or two thinking, “Ow, have I broken my leg?”  Eventually I gingerly sat up, wiggled my fingers and feet, then stood up, pulled the Professor to safety, and sat on the grass slightly dazed, pondering whether I should phone someone. Feeling a bit dizzy and nauseous, I decided that not moving for a while was probably the best bet.  Assessing my injuries, I realised I’d taken a chunk of skin off my right arm, and had managed to smear blood on my shorts

Two chaps went by, one nearly lost it in the same place as me, but stayed on and got halfway up the next hill.  They looked back at me and asked me if I was OK, and by that point I was actually feeling fairly coherent.  I explained what happened, and said that I was fine, just a bit dusty.

Still feeling a bit shaken, I walked up the hill, got back on the bike and descended the next bit of fireroad.  SLOWLY.  Next few sections were a bit of a daze, I remember pushing up some switchbacks because I felt rubbish and thought I might pass out if I tried to climb.  Actually, I say ‘some’, I seem to recall they went on forever, but it was OK, because there were loads of foxgloves and it was quite trippy and oooh stars!

I actually rode the next few sections fine –  bridges, drops – and thoroughly enjoyed the descents, which I managed to ride the entirety of without stopping, crashing or fluffing the corners.  Stopping briefly at Lower Cliff, I sighed as I realised I’d run out of water again.  It had been a marvellous day, it was just a shame that I was a bit broken.   Crossed the railway again and headed up Kitbag Hill, which was positively murderous.   By this point I’d overshot the rendezvous time with Mr Toast, so sent him a text message saying that I was going to be late because I’d had a little accident, but I was OK.

I arrived back at Marquis Drive to a slightly concerned Toast, who marvelled at my injuries, and swore that I wouldn’t ride alone again.

After returning home and having a shower (which hurt… ), the full extent of my injuries became clear.  The final tally was:

• Patch of skin removed from right arm near the elbow.  Two days later it’s still oozing little yellow blobs.  I don’t know if this means it’s infected, or whether this is part of the ‘healing process’.
• Bruising around the elbow and upper right arm
• Heavy grazing around the elbow and upper right arm
• Bruised left palm
• Impressive facial graze that looks a bit like a Victorian gentleman’s beard
• One dented helmet, requiring a new one

On the plus side, the Professor seems to be relatively unscathed, as do my legs, probably thanks to my MAGICAL KYLE STRAIT KNEEPADS!  If only I’d had elbow pads too.

Or common sense.

Ride: Cannock Chase

Trail: Tackaroo and sections 7 and 8 of FtD, the Monkey

Highlights:  Being awesome on the singletrack, attempting stuff I’d wimped out on before, almost 100% defeating Evil Root Number One

Bad bits:  Failing on fireroad.

Post ride food snaffled:  Er, I think I had some crisps.

Good dogs seen: I can’t remember.  How tragic is that? Q_Q

Missus Toast – Fine Until Fireroad!

Saturday was the last bike ride of my twenties.  Oh my.  To bid farewell to the passing of my youth and welcome in the inexorable tide of middle-age, we ventured further afield than usual to Llandegla.

It was a lot more enjoyable this time around – the start of the red, which had previously been fairly battered by a combination of forestry operations and heavy rain, had been repaired and was fairly speedy going.  Strangely it was a lot rockier than I remembered – I think I still remember our first visit to Llandegla where everything was pretty much butter smooth.  I caught my pedal on rocks a couple of times, which means that either I need to look where I’m going more, or I need to increase the pressure in my rear shock…

Rather pleasingly the climb up gets easier each time we go there – to put it in perspective, the first time we went to Llandegla I had to stop a couple of times before we even got to the grouses, whereas this time around it was our one and only stop.  Well, you’ve got to take pictures, haven’t you?

Went around fairly speedily, and even managed to ride most of the Not Shore section – didn’t manage the start, but got on and started a bit further up and rode the rest of it.  It just requires a bit of oomph to keep momentum over the logs, but not so much that you can’t take the corners.  Exited it feeling a bit smug, and fairly confident that I’m close to doing the entire thing.

There are things I love about Llandegla, I things that niggle me slightly.  I love the feeling of speed you can get there, swooping through the forest, around berms and over rollery jump type things.  So many of the sections are fast and flowy fun.  However, there’s a good chunk of downhill fireroad, which seems a waste after all of the climbing, and we somehow managed to completely lose the end of the red route somewhere around the pump track, and ended up getting back to the cafe via the car park. :/  It seems a bit churlish to complain about such issues though, especially when the trailbuilders have obviously put in a lot of work fixing the start back up, and adding a pump track and skills loop, and the rest of it is such good fun.

I ran out of energy towards the end of the afternoon slightly, due to having only eaten Weetabix and half a bacon sandwich.  I did try and have a flapjack before setting out, but the ones in the cafe contained stealth banana, therefore rendering them inedible, on the grounds that banana is the fruit of Satan.  Mr Toast ate it though.

After a swift cup of tea and some Jaffa Cakes, we headed up to the skills loop.  There were a few kids there with AWESOME SKILLS, who seemed rather bemused by the height of our saddles.  Whilst they fearlessly threw themselves over the skills course at great speed, I gingerly approached the drops section.

The skills course is graded in the same manner as a lot of freeride and downhill courses, with a system of three dots.  One dot is easy, two is harder, three is hardest.  Naturally, being a massive pansy, I approached the one-dot drops with a sense of trepidation.  But they were actually quite easy – I think some of the stuff on the Monkey has toughened me up a little.  After a bit of gentle encouragement from Mr Toast, I took the two-dot drops as well – which truth be told, didn’t seem that much bigger than the last drop of the one-dot drops.  I didn’t try the three-dot drops though, they didn’t really look overly rollable!:P

The berms section was easy to ride, both one and three-dot sections.  I guess the actual difficulty arises from riding them lightning fast.  I dropped the saddle for the jumps (one-dot) – I’m still incapable of jumping intentionally – probably because I’m trying to jump and not jump at the same time.

Anyhoo, I predict that I meekness will recede slightly as my Kyle Strait knee armour has now arrived, which will increase my skill levels by four hundred and eleventy percent.  Undoubtedly.

Ride: Llandegla

Trail: Red route and skills loop

Highlights:  Fast flowy singletrack.  Doing the TWO DOT drops.

Bad bits:  Trying to pagger it up a hill and knackering myself for the rest of the trail

Post ride food snaffled: Jaffa cakes and a cup of tea

Good dogs seen: A friendly trail labrador, and… a chihuaha

You may have noticed that I didn’t post an update for last weekend.  You may have assumed that was because I didn’t ride… but you’d be wrong.  Alas, the true reason was the ride of the 22nd May was… not pleasant.  In fact, it could roughly be summarised by this graph:

I fell off quite a bit.  I actually managed to fall uphill.  I completely lost my confidence, even struggling on sections of FtD.  At one point, I wondered why the hell I was even riding a bike, as I obviously hated it.  I did manage to do most of M8 with a huge grin on my face, which was quickly wiped off as I lost it on the last sandy corner.  Meh!  Meh, I say!  To add insult to the now mounting number of injuries, there weren’t even any dogs.  None.  Not even rubbish ones.

But that was last week, and we will not speak of it!

Yesterday, on the other hand, was face-meltingly awesome.  Given that I’m really struggling to enjoy the Monkey as it’s a bit above my skill level at the moment, I decided to stick to the Dog.  It’s a bit of a conundrum – I want to be a technically better rider, and I know the only way I’ll achieve that is by riding stuff that will push me.  But I don’t want to come back from a day in the woods covered in cuts, bruises and grazes, and thoroughly miserable.   For now though, I’m happy to be happy, personal improvement be damned!

The ride threatened to be a non-starter, as Mr Toast noticed an alarming amount of play in the rear wheel.  A few minutes of fiddling got it into a rideable state, and after assurances that it wasn’t likely to explode I set off down FtD.  Managed to bottle it on the exit of section 2 again, and was a bit wobbly on the Stegosaur, but it was all good. It was a bit frustrating – how come I can ride this:

But not this:

Resurfacing on 6 has made the short climb a bit easier, especially given that Anti-social Pipe (well, it’s not exactly Evil standard) has now been covered.  Got to 7 and bottled the crazy paving leading up to the boardwalk and took the chicken run – I did it last week, but the step up seemed a bit more pronounced this week.

Rode everything else fine – seemed to fly around compared to last week, and absolutely loved every minute of it.  Rode 8 with a lot more speed and confidence, although I imagine my facial expression is still a bit ‘special’ on the exit.  The remaining sections were also fast, especially over the road on the new ending!  By Odin’s Beard, you can get up some speed on those sections!  Apart from Werewolf drop which I still walk down…*cough*  The descents are smooth and flowing, I can pop down the drops before the rollers without batting an eye, and I can even do the switchbacks.  I got back to Birches Valley a very happy bunny indeed, which was a relief.

After a quick mooch around Swinnertons, I set off for a second lap.  I was slightly bemused as I stood at the entrance to the first section – a chap, walking a small dog, was also with his two small daughters who were on bikes.  The youngest had stabilisers.  I waited for them to pass, but the littlest one set off down Follow the Dog.  I expected her dad to go and retrieve her, but instead he encouraged the other daughter to follow, and set off after them.  I heard a scream, then set off myself – they’d managed to get to the first corner.  Fortunately they pulled over, and I managed to overtake them.  A minute or two later, there was an entire walking party – about 8 adults, and a few kids on shoulders, looking slightly miffed at the passing bikers.

Rode the end of section 2 without hesitation, much to my relief – looks like I just needed to get my confidence back up.  Rode the Stegosaur a bit more elegantly second time around, and also managed the rocks before the boardwalk using my patented technique of ramming into it with as much gusto as possible and hoping that suspension will make up for lack of ability.  It worked!  Might have to try it on Evil Root Number One sometime…

I was a bit worried about time as I’d said I’d meet Mr Toast at half four, so I decided to go up past section 13 (RIP) and just do the end sections.  I didn’t manage this, as I became… distracted.

Ignore the bike.  Yes, that’s right, the Professor is glorious, but LOOK BEHIND HIM!  GEESE!  GOOSEY GEESE!!!!

 Baby geese!  Goslings!  A big pile of them!  GOOSESTEPPING!

Ride: Cannock Chase

Trail: Follow the Dog, and some more Follow the Dog

Highlights:  Everything!

Bad bits:  Nothing!

Post ride food snaffled: Tea and some sort of slice of chocolatey… stuff.  Gets points for the choccie and biscuity stuff, loses points for the stealth sultanas.

Good dogs seen:  Loads – a husky, lots of Russells, and an immaculately groomed King Charles Spaniel.  Normally I’m not a fan of them, but this one looked EXACTLY like some sort of Japanese anime character.

Saturday marked our first trip over the Chase since the opening of Phase II – understandable, given the car woes and holiday, but slightly depressing that it’s been so long.

Saturday was a day of firsts.  The first time I’d ridden the Monkey.  The first time I’d ridden in a large (more than 3 or 4 people) group.  And… well, we’ll come to that.

Turned up late due to the Vectra being a thirsty, thirsty car.  I’d looked at the fuel gauge before setting out, thought “Ah, we’ll have to get some fuel on the way back”.  As we journeyed forth, the needle moved towards the red zone with alarming speed.  Then through the red zone.  An emergency turn off to Sutton Coldfield got us to a petrol station before the Fantastic Mr Vaux passed out from dehydration, and we eventually bowled up at Cannock Chase over half an hour late.  Er, sorry about that…

We set off down the Dog.  The Professor’s brake pads have recently been replaced, but hadn’t been ridden on.   Interesting timing – I would have liked to have bedded in the pads a bit more (or at all…) before hitting the Monkey, but we can’t have everything!  The Dog felt nice and fast now it’s dry, although I still managed to fluff the exit of 2 again.  Avoided Evil Root Number One, even though Jessica and Charlotte were having repeated goes at defeating it.  Shambled halfway around 8 quite slowly, and then… to the Monkey!

To say that the new trail is a step up in difficulty would be a mild understatement.  The link section made me a sad, sad panda.  A sad, sad panda not blessed with the ability or confidence to ride narrow, steep downhill bits with steps.  Or tight corners.  Or tight corners with steps on.  I pretty much minced the entire way down, pushing the Professor and making quiet whimpering noises.

There was a small congregation by the railway crossing as Rob in his Ranger guise offered handy advice on how not to be run over by a train.  You’d hope that most people would be able to manage this using their own innate common sense, but I guess when you’re talking about a sport involving people throwing themselves over rocks and hills on two wheels, common sense can be in dangerously short supply.

We managed to cross the railway… and then the road… without leaving a bloodied smear and mince behind.  Then it was onto the joy of the climbs.  I didn’t actually do too horribly for a first effort, actually managed a couple of switchbacks in a row.  Unfortunately it was thirsty work, and I quickly ran out of water in my Camelbak – a rarity for me.  The next few sections were a blur.  A thirsty, thirsty blur, and I soon felt like this:

Being in a group had its distinct advantages.  In addition to being able to steal some of Sally’s water, there was also a lot of encouragement – I rode the rocks down to Klondike Bridge, all of the bridges and their associated rockery.  Even the one that slightly alarmingly had Dave dancing on it (‘checking for play’, allegedly).   Chances are I probably would have wussed out on my own.  I can definitely identify my major weakness though – tight corners.  I can barely do them at the best of times, but when they have additional obstacles my brain freezes – hence why I can do the rocks down to Klondike, but still struggle on the exit of two.  Bugger.  The actual Monkey section is a bit beyond me – far too narrow… with rocks on turns.  One day though, one day!

I managed to come off on M8 – not sure what happened, I went around the corner then lost traction on the sand, and somehow ended up coming of the back of the bike and getting entangled in it.  Incidentally, if you see someone who’s come off, it’s generally considered polite to ask if they’re OK… not to edge around them complaining.   It shook me a bit, and I ended up going down quite slowly after that.

Eventually, after the climb back up Kitbag Hill, it was back onto the Dog.  We had a swift visit to Marquis Drive to get some sweet, sweet water (and cake, *cough*) and then resumed riding.   We were congregated around Evil Root Number Two, with Jessica and Charlotte again sessioning it.  Emboldened by Dime cake, I decided to give it a go myself – my second attempt in three years.

My plan was a simple one – I have 120mm of suspension, so I was going to barrel up to Evil Root Number Two as fast as possible, keep pedalling, and hope for the best.   OK, so that’s not much of a plan… but it worked!   After defeating Evil Root Number Two, I had a little celebratory dance – apologies to anybody who was left with permanent mental scarring as a result.

I really enjoy the new ending to FtD, so much opportunity to get some speed up!  Werewolf Drop still fills me with abject horror though (even more than the link section!), and seems to be getting more terrifying each week.  There was a bit of a queue at the top, with many people electing not to ride.  Props to the chap who did decide to ride though – after a few minutes of mustering his courage he actually jumped off it (landing safely, I hasten to add).  I didn’t have too much trouble from that point onwards, and even managed to ride the rollers without exploding into a mass of blood and bone.

So, overall a great ride – could barely walk the next day (switchback climbs play havoc with my thighs!), and there’s a lot I struggle with.  But there’s a lot of stuff I did ride that Mr Toast wasn’t expecting me to, and I finally defeated Evil Root Number Two.  Haw haw!

Ride: Cannock Chase

Trail: Follow the Dog & The Monkey Trail

Highlights: Defeating Evil Root Number Two, doing the entire Monkey Trail, doing the straight rocks

Bad bits: The link section, rocks/drops on corners.  Or rather, my inability to ride them.

Post ride food snaffled: Dime cake after section 12, copious amounts of water

Good Dogs Seen: Airdale terriers at Marquis Drive

As briefly mentioned in the previous post, Mr Toast and myself spent last week in the Peak District.  Alas, I didn’t get as much riding in as I hoped as my mother was also with us, but I still managed to get out a bit!

Monday: Derwent Reservoir – as mentioned last year, the Derwent Cycle centre, like its Parsely Hay counterpart, hires out Duet Wheelchair tandem bikes.  Being hillier than the Tissington trail, the Derwent Duet has mountain gears, and it was actually quite an easy ride.  Only about 10.5 miles in total, but not bad.  As I said, hillier than Parsley Hay, but smoother going due to the tarmac route (closed to most traffic) and the increased gear range.

Weather was…well, mental.  It was raining when we arrived, then started hailing as I sorted the hire.  Once we actually got out though, the weather picked up and it was reasonably sunny for the most part, and fairly warm whenever the wind dropped.  My mother was a bit nervy – it was Bank Holiday Monday, and there were a lot of people around, including less than considerate riders flying onto the route from the sides.  I suppose I can understand it, after all she is strapped to the front of the bike and has no control whatsoever… still, she enjoyed it, and that’s the important thing – it’s a beautiful area, and it would have been a shame for her to miss it.

Wednesday:  As the weather was a bit iffy and my mother didn’t fancy Poole’s Cavern, we ended up spending the bulk of the day shopping at Meadowhall in Sheffield.  I learned that I loathe Sheffield’s roads with a passion.

The day was redeemed by a ride up Mam Tor.  It was the same route as the one I took last year, only slightly longer due to starting out from Hope rather than Castleton.  This year it was Cletus’ turn to shine – as much as I love the Professor, I decided to take Cletus on holiday for the extensive hill climbs.

As we climbed up the broken road, a few things occured to me.  Either I had gotten fitter, Cletus made climbing easier, or Mam Tor has shrunk.  I’m sure it was a lot bigger last year…

There was only one bit on the broken road that gave me trouble, and I ended up just walking down it – it was stupid, and it made me angry, but  I was tired and run down after spending hours in Sheffield and couldn’t get my head around it.   To add insult to injury, there was a hidden pheasant, seemingly chuckling at my inepitude.

Still, I was considerably speedier than last year, to it was all good!

The remainder of the route was fairly gentle, and we encountered a lot of other riders doing a Trail Quest thingie.  There was a disappointing lack of Mini Moos, but a pleasing amount of lambs.

Thursday: After Wednesday’s shopping-not-biking-wtf-we’re-in-the-Peaks, I asked my mother for a pass, which was granted.  Yay!  We headed up to Ladybower, taking in whatever off-road routes we could.  Some of these were easy, such as the bridleway from Bamford to Ladybower:

Others, less so…

We did 22 miles in total. Truth be told, parts of it left me properly grouchy – there were sections that were just plain beyond my ability, forcing me to carry or push my bike.  It’s that kind of stuff that leaves me disillusioned about ‘natural’ riding – when you’re lacking in confidence and experience, it’s a royal pain in the ass planning a route.  Bridleways don’t come with gradings, it’s just a case of suck it and see.  You might end up with an exhilirating ride through amazing countryside.  Or you might end up fucked off and frustrated, too concerned with how the hell you’re going to get from one end to the other  to enjoy the scenery, to actually have any fun.  It was a shame we had such limited time, perhaps if we’d had more time to explore we could have found better routes – maybe next year!

Overall it was still an enjoyable ride though (when we actually got to ride the bikes, rather than carrying them…), and there were many wonderous sights to behold… such as a 6ft 7 husband riding Cletus.  Poor, poor, 14″ Cletus…

We also stopped off again at the Derwent Visitor centre.  The ducks there were shockingly bold, pecking at sleeves, pulling at shorts, and menancing Mr Toast for pasty.

 Alas, our ride meant we were too late for treacle tart at the Woodbine Cafe. 🙁

Friday: Parsely Hay  – it was back on the Duet with my mother.  It was a longer ride this time – 20 miles!  Starting at Parsely, to Tissington, then back again.

 Alas, my mother was a bit grouchy about the ride length – the weather was a bit variable.  Always dry, but occasionally a bit cold and windy.  It was actually a bit harder going – the Parsley Hay Duet has a smaller gear range, and neither the brakes, nor the gears seemed to be as smooth as the Derwent Duet.  I knew I was setting myself for a bit of a challenge when I freewheeled for 10 minutes from Alsop to Tissington, having to constantly apply the brakes (despite her Top Gun references, my mother doesn’t feel the need for speed!)  Let me tell you now: the Tissington trail is easy, but having an extra 10 and a half stone on the front of your bike certainly adds an element of challenge!

So, that was it for this year so far, hoping we can get back later in the summer for a weekend.  Mr Toast found a route that he loved, even though he managed to break another carbon bike on it.  Long story.  Well, not really – apparently the 07 XL Mojos had a manufacturing issue, since fixed.  Despite it being out of warranty, and Toast being the second owner, Ibis volunteered to warranty it without issue, with lightning fast responses to emails.  That’s customer service!  Hopefully Mr Toast will get on well with his replacement, he’s raved about the Mojo so far… if not, I think it’s a sign that Mr Toast and carbon definitely don’t mix!